I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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