I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
