I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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