just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
