apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
