There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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