apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
