Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
