Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
