The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
