i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
