i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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