my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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