yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
