I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
