All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
