Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
