I want to walk on stilts...naked
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
