I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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