Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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