I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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