its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
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Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
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Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.