Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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