Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
