everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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