I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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