I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
