Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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