Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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