Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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