My nipple is on Facebook.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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