So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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