Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
