i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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