Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize