Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
