The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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