I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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