do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
