If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
