I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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