Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
