You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
