I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You were trust falling into bushes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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