I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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