my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
