Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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