i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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