I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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