Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
