Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
