I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
