maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
