Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
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I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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