so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
