I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
