just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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